Wednesday, April 22, 2009
♥ 11:10 AM
cause i said we're to remain positive and optimistic. it's terrifying staying at home and facing your demons by yourself. when there's no one else around, everything just starts closing in on you, your heart beats faster, you glance around furtively, afraid of what's around. i tried so hard, and come so far, but these fears still bring us over the edge, once, twice. you let slip every once in a while, cause you can't help it. how are we supposed to get out of this nightmare, a break to be met with crazy schedules after. is it worth it.
aren't you just afraid of yourself? i am.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
♥ 12:21 PM
Have we traded in our heroes for ghosts?
beds, pillows and tissue/
Saturday, April 18, 2009
♥ 4:26 PM
I'm over you asking me when you know I'm not okay.
I'm not going to make excuses anymore,
not anymore.
Friday, April 17, 2009
♥ 11:59 PM
What've you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away,
As the sun set, she looked down, contemplating what she would miss when she left. A step forward, and everything would be forgotten. A step back, and she would be thrust back into the world wrought with pain and misery.
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through,
Despondent, desperate and in despair, she grasped for a single straw of hope, attempting to reach out. She had never felt such angst and affliction, at no time had she felt thus backed against the wall, with no one to confide in.
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone,
"You will never understand what I'm going through, just leave me alone."
Echoing strains of what she thought reverberated around in the shell of her head. Her many thoughts seemed to big to contain in her head, and she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders.
But don't run out on your faith;
Snapshots of her life flashed by, reminding her of what she had. Poised on the edge of the day, poised on the edge of becoming someone else, she took that step.
Your past doesn't make you, your decisions do.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
♥ 6:43 PM
I may not know it,
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most,
Just gotta keep going.
"We have to be lost to find ourselves."
Did I lose myself, or did you lose me? We endeavour to hang on to that tiniest thread of what we are, but once we slip up, and lose that resolve, we let go of that thread, and we lose ourselves.
How are we supposed to find ourselves, when we're so messed up? The turbulences crash all around us, but if we keep on going, we miss the intricacies of life, we miss out on the chance to take a whiff of the flowers, we can never retrieve the chance we let escape, we face desolation ultimately. If we lose ourselves on the way to finding ourselves, what can we say?
We often glaze across what we already have, "ah it's no big deal", or "she'll be there haha", insignificance flickering in our eyes, but how often do we contemplate the truth- is she really going to be there the whole way, or is it really no big deal.
I worked so hard, for this inadequacy and return?
How are we supposed to escape this hypocrisy.
"The façade brandished out was a mask of what I wished I could feel, rather than that whirlwind of emotions I was undergoing, the confusing spiral of inadequacy and fear coupled with disappointment I inevitably was going to face if we lost [the match]. "
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
♥ 9:04 PM
'Cause I know how it feels,
to have your whole world come crashing down.
I love using words to express how I feel, but somehow I lost that flair for bringing out exactly how I feel through this very means. It's like I lost a friend, I lost a limb, I lost my vent.
Liars and hypocrites as all go.
Monday, April 13, 2009
♥ 7:53 PM
You were always what I was sure of, you had yet to fail me. You always came through, even when I thought everything was messed up, you just consistently held up for me, you never failed to ease the ache in my heart. You never failed me...
yet I failed you.
The angst I feel, I don't have the finnesse to flounder gracefully, I dropped with a resounding, jarring crash. You ceased to be an indulgence.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
♥ 7:32 PM
Seasonal patterns, jaunty twirls, pretty prints.
The rain pelted with stunning regularity, the liberating fall of the rain watering flora and fauna, cleansing away the stains inflicted. Standing under the rain, arms outstretched, down it came, on and on, again and again, a repetitive cycle never ceasing. Completely drenched by the time the rain simmered down to a gradual stop, I wondered where were you, where were you.
Amanda, I love love love you! You're always like a breath of fresh air, you never cease to crinkle your face into that smile whenever you see me, you always try to make it a point to understand how I'm feeling, and I know there are always more to you than just what's on the surface. You've been steady like a rock, and constant. We both love Strawberry Collon! IT'S THE BEST RIGHT, I KNOW, I TAUGHT YOU THE JOYS AND PLEASURES OF IT! Strawberry Collon ftw! Despite working hard and feeling like it has come to nought, we can always look at it from a different perspective- half-empty or on the way to being full. Love you lots, xoxo!
Friday, April 10, 2009
♥ 10:29 PM
You know what you'll see when you tear me up and look inside?
You'll see nothing but blood and gore, nothing worth a second glance, nothing worth mourning over.
I have no idea why you didn't pick her instead of me in the beginning,
you should have.
What's the use of living in the past, you ask me.
Aren't we supposed to learn from past mistakes,
I'm learning now;
although you mean the world to me,
it's painfully obvious I don't mean what I once did,
so it's over.
I've never been glib, I've never tried to nurse a pain of this extent before, but I don't want to fight. But because I treasure you so, it's over. No rerun, no backturn.
thnks fr th mmrs
Thursday, April 09, 2009
♥ 9:56 PM
Resplendent in all your glory,
Panadol's brilliant, it cures you, it makes you feel good, but what happens when you're fine? It becomes useless.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
♥ 8:29 PM
I'll let you go, I'll set you free,
And when you've seen what you need to see,
When you find you, come back to me.
I love you David Cook! Have I already said that?
What makes people all the more susceptible to pain is that, knowing if we don't feel it, we're dead. The silhouette of you is gradually ebbing away to nothingness. The feeling of you is creeping away, making me totally insensitive to you. The smell of you no longer invading my senses. Our memories slowly trickling away. Your embrace nothing more than a remembrance fading away. The looks that flit through your face no longer lingering. It's inexplicably leaving, illicitly changing to suit the patterns of the clouds on the sky. You used to affect me so much, till I realised you don't actually mean as much as I assumed. Statures I put in place painstakingly for you falling apart. It'll sting, it'll hurt, and I may even cry for a while, but spilt milk can never be taken back, resolute decisions the same. I thought I would fall apart without you, but I've come so far in leaps and bounds, you thought you'd see me fall, but I'm gonna stand so tall, and I won't forget the process it took me to come thus far. Whenever I remember, it'll be of me moving on, putting everything behind.
So even if it hurts, I know it'll just mean that I'm alive, and that I've a road I've to continue down on. It may rub your nipples raw, block up your entire pee hole, cease you from walking up and down the stairs like a normal person, and make you go insane, but it's life.
SYF TMR OMG OMG FAINT!!!(Okay yes I've noticed that yes, maybe all the added stress is going to my head and making me ridiculously long-winded. But I'm thankful for the insights brought along, I suppose)
//But seriously if you don't want me, you should tell me, and not leave me hanging. I love you so, but isn't it rather selfish to keep it for yourself, and keep me from moving on, or rather, from actually finding another group to set myself off on? If you've done so, you should just say so, because I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and I want to move on, but you're making it hard. Let's break it off.
I've deleted it. So we can start anew.
Honestly, I don't want you. Initially you brought fun and laughter, but as we drew closer, you revealed a side of yourself which I thought was real, but now thinking back, it was all a lie. And I can't really be bothered to go figure out what's true and what's not, so let's leave it at that. We were close, then we drifted, and now taunts of the friendship we had previously haunt me all day long. The closer we get, the more pain we undergo. I openned a side that was vulnerable, to you, but what did you do. Disregard it, throw it to a side, and you can't even be bothered to acknowledge it after one sentence. Truthfully, I must say I expected more. Why do I have such high expectations, you may ask. Well, I don't. But you don't understand. I didn't tell anyone but you. And you flung it to the side, and focused on yourself instead. Is this what we get for openning up? Flashcheck: I don't trust you anymore. I told you that but since you don't actually listen to what I say, HAHA, let's throw away our inhibitions and go on stark crazes; showdown. 'Cause I told you I don't matter;
If I were to disappear off the face of this earth, no one would even notice.
Maybe you needn't come back,
Monday, April 06, 2009
♥ 8:37 PM
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?"
He said, "Ask anything."
The view from the bottom has to be vividly captured in the memories of those who have experienced it.
I now understand why Jodi Picoult's books have that wry feel to it, and why people are always so enraptured by her stories, myself included. Her books always, inevitably, have a death weaved in intricately along the lines and the pages. The books, oftentime in paperbacks, are a representative of life for us- it dies off. Whether or not the unwanted ending comes in the initial pages or at the last throes of the captivating read, death, ultimately, although a pain, is irrevocable. Unavoidable, ineluctable, death is an ending we all face, in a matter of time.
Is that why, so oftentimes, many of us cry whilst reading her books? Because we ourselves identify with the tragedies unraveling, in different contexts, perhaps?
It creeps up on you, you'll never know when it's gonna pounce and take away all that you've known your entire life. In Jodi Picoult books, when there's a death in the beginning, the survivors mourn, but by the end, the bereaved's family finds relief and the grieving stops, ending on a bittersweet note. All's well ends well? Just maybe. On the other hand, when the death happens on the last sentence of the last paragraph of the last page, contrary to when the death happens early, we're left empty and yearning.
Ironic how everyone wants a long life, but the consequences of that never fail to bring along sadness and umbrage for a longer time. If you died at 50, and touched 100 lives during that period, as opposed to dying at 20, and touching 25 lives instead, which age brings along more aches and stings, with the gripe of paroxysms?
In my honest opinion, I would like to die earlier in that book that's written about me. I would die earlier, spare myself the agony of looking down and seeing a group of my close family and friends in pain, or spare myself the affliction if no one even cries for me.
Perhaps it would be preferable to not even be born at all. A far superior option as opposed to having toil through the perils of this world.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
♥ 10:08 AM
The effective word would be nothing.
When I think back to the times when we were Sec 1, and though everything was so screwed up at home, you could always cheer me up, you inevitably had that way to make me smile. Now when I think of what I've done, I'm honestly sorry, and if there were a way for me to retract my feelings, I would do that. No one could have beat the place you ursuped in my life just then, but you changed it. When the words left my lips, when the thought crossed my mind, undeniable regret came in tow, and that myriad of emotions brought along memories. Things I wish I could forget, but now I know how impossible that is. The fault was always mine. It just comes between, and I haven't been a stranger to that. God knows how many times. Some things just weren't meant to be, and upsetting the balance isn't going to change a thing. Laughter will take the place of what was meant to be, but it won't take away the blame and regret that will be around. Perpetually.
//I miss you so fricking much, but I ___________________ .
edit 951pm - I stand corrected no use no change waste of time it's raging don't bother
Daddy mummy i miss you so much why do you have to go for so long i wish you didn't have to be gone for so long can you please fly home now i miss you so much :(
homecoming
Friday, April 03, 2009
♥ 8:56 PM
You must be a damn good broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Dysphoric, disillusioned, embittered, excaberating, impasse.
Cause it's crashing down, in your avalanche.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
♥ 8:51 PM
Simplicity, back to basics.
That would mean, when I didn't need you.
You haunt me, when I have no desire or wish whatsoever for you to invade these thoughts.
I don't like this side of you, don't bother with me.
/When you find you, come back to me
'Cause I know how it feels,
You were always what I was sure of, you had yet to fail me. You always came through, even when I thought everything was messed up, you just consistently held up for me, you never failed to ease the ache in my heart. You never failed me...
Resplendent in all your glory,
Simplicity, back to basics.